Is It A Date, Or Are You Just Hanging Out: How To Tell The Difference

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, “a date” in relationships is: “a social meeting planned before it happens, especially one between two people who have or might have a romantic relationship.” 

For many, this definition leaves considerable room for ambiguity and belies the question—are we on a date, or are we just hanging out? Whether you go out with just the two of you or meet up with a larger group, if you’ve made plans with someone you are interested in romantically or who may have a romantic interest in you, there is plenty of potential for confusion.

While asking directly about their intentions is a sure way to find out, most people find that to be an uncomfortable experience they’d rather avoid. If asking directly is “off the table,” there are some questions you may ask yourself that can help provide insight into the nature of the situation.

What are your plans?

What you plan on doing might provide a clue as to whether you’re going on a date or not. For example, if they invite you to dinner at a formal restaurant that requires a particular dress code or decorum, it’s a good indicator that you’re on a date.

Conversely, your plans may be ambiguous. If they ask you out to a movie, it could be a date, but this is an activity that friends commonly do together as well. It might help to consider the type of movie you’re planning to see. For example, if you’re going to see a romantic comedy, then it might be a date. Horror movies are also popular date movies due to the frightening moments often pushing people closer together.

How did they ask you out?

If they approached you nonchalantly, it might make you feel less confident that it is an actual date. However, when someone asks you out with a bit of nervousness in their voice, it’s a potential indication that they’re afraid you’ll say no thank you, and it’s probably safe to assume it’s a date. 

Did they try to get you alone and ask if you’d like to go out sometime? This seems more like a date than some friendly invitation to hang out. It isn’t always easy to tell, but you can often figure it out by thinking about the tone, words, and circumstances surrounding how they asked you to go out. If it seemed like an invitation to go on a date, it likely was. 

Does this person flirt with you a lot?

Although some people like to flirt just because it is a part of their personality, if this person constantly displays flirtatious behavior toward you, they may be romantically interested in you. Hanging out vs. dating is mostly about determining the intentions behind why you’re meeting up. If someone asks you to hang out, but they don’t display flirtatious behavior, or they don’t seem nervous, they may not be necessarily interested in you romantically. Flirtation is a sign that they are romantically thinking of you. If the flirting is present, then it’s probably a date.

Are they single?

If someone already in a relationship asks you to go out with them, you might assume that it’s meant to be a friendly thing and the social outing they’ve invited you to isn’t a date. If this is the case, and you know their significant other, it may be a good idea to reach out to that person and verify that they don’t mind if the two of you go out together. 

However, if they seem to be flirting a lot, and the person is in a relationship, they might be asking you out. You do have a choice of how you’d like to respond to this scenario, but unless you know for sure that this person is in an open relationship, it’s probably safe to assume you’re dealing with a cheater. Not only would going out with that person make you an accomplice, research indicates that people are much more likely to cheat in future relationships if they’ve cheated in the past. Even if you don’t have any scruples about dating a cheater, it’s unlikely they’d stay faithful to you, either. 

Either way, if the person has a significant other when they ask you out, it’s best to be direct and ask about their intentions. 

How do they act while you’re out?

How this individual behaves while you’re out may indicate whether they are treating it as a date. Their body language may indicate if they have romantic intentions. Look for typical signs of interest, like flirting and making a lot of eye contact. Your conversation may add clues as well. Do they steer the conversation back to you and ask you a lot of questions about your personal life? Do they share information about themselves with you, such as their hobbies, interests, and other things that are important to them?

Perhaps they will try to pay for everything you purchased together. That’s a social expectation that many men still adhere to even in this modern era. You also might find out that the person you’re spending time with may be looking for reasons to continue hanging out when it’s time to part ways.

If they seem nervous and awkward, they may assume you are on a date and are contemplating whether to kiss you. What you decide to do at this point will likely depend on your understanding of the nature of your relationship. If there was a miscommunication and they thought you were on a date but you thought your time together was just as friends, you’ll probably need to discuss that at this point. 

How do they look when you go out?

You may also consider how this person is dressed. If they are dressed casually and didn’t seem to put much effort into their appearance, then it might just be that you’re hanging out. However, if they seem to dress less casually and take the time to enhance their appearance, they may be trying to impress you. 

Asking directly is the best solution

If you haven’t gone out yet and don’t know the expectations, asking them directly can help you avoid an uncomfortable situation later. It might be challenging to find the courage to do so, so consider what could happen in the worst-case scenario. Perhaps the conversation about it will be awkward, and you may feel hurt if it’s not a date. Still, it’s far better for that to happen upfront than at the end of the evening when you’re contemplating asking for a second date or making a move to show them you are interested romantically. The person may have assumed that you knew one way or the other. Regardless, it’s important to get things right now so that you can understand how to act later.

In the future, it may help to make it a habit of asking as soon as you get an invitation. It can avoid any mix-ups and make both of you more comfortable. Some people are too nervous to speak clearly when asking someone out. They might mean to clarify that this is an invitation to a date, but the words didn’t come out clearly. In this case, asking up front helps them out, too. 

Learn to read people's signals from a relationship therapist

Miscommunication in social interactions, especially when romance is possible, is common. But some people find that miscommunication seems to “find them” in many dating situations, and it causes complications in their relationships. If this is the case for you, it’s possible to strengthen your communication skills and learn how to read others in situations of dating and relationships. 

A counselor specializing in dating and intimacy is an excellent resource for couples and individuals seeking to cultivate better communication skills. Despite its benefits, some people don’t try therapy because it’s challenging to fit into a busy schedule or they cannot commute to and from appointments. Others may assume it’s too expensive for them or it won’t help anyway.  

Online platforms like Regain provide an excellent solution to these obstacles and more. Regain matches individuals and couples to counselors with various backgrounds and expertise. You may book appointments whenever it’s convenient for your schedule and speak with your counselor from home or anywhere with a reliable internet connection via phone, text, online messaging, and video chat. 

Online therapy is often less expensive than traditional therapy without insurance. A growing body of research indicates that it’s as effective in helping people with various issues that affect dating and relationships-- from self-esteem to communication to intimacy. 

Counselor reviews

Here are some counselor reviews from Regain clients working on relationship challenges: 

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time… She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”