How To Tell Your Ex You Still Love Him

The end of a romantic relationship can be tough and emotional, even if you decided to end things. People fall out of love and drift apart, but that doesn’t mean relationships are easy to get over. Sometimes, moving on after a breakup can seem like an impossible task. In fact, research has shown that breakups can have a negative impact on a person’s health, leading to insomnia, changes in appetite, intrusive thoughts, reduced immune function, and even broken heart syndrome, a condition that mimics the symptoms of a heart attack. 

Perhaps one of the more challenging parts of coping with a breakup is having lingering feelings for your ex. Whether or not you initiated the breakup, still having feelings for someone you were in a relationship with is normal. While these feelings dissipate for most people over time, you might find yourself in a situation where, no matter how much time passes, you find that you are still in love with your ex. Should you express your feelings to your ex, and what are some ways you can prepare to speak with him? If you’re considering telling an ex you still love him, there are a few things you may want to consider first. 

Reasons to express your love

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to the question of whether you should tell your ex you still love him or not. There are some circumstances, however, that can help you decide if you should. Here are some ways to help you tell if expressing your love is a step in the right direction:

You ended the relationship for the wrong reasons

Sometimes we make rash decisions in the heat of the moment, only to regret them later. If you broke up with your ex for reasons you can now see were wrong, it might be beneficial to see if he is willing to meet up and discuss it. Try not to lead by telling him you love him; instead, focus on discussing why you now believe you overreacted back then. Talking about things in a calm, neutral environment can help both of you see how things went wrong. If he’s receptive and understanding, you can suggest trying to work through the issue to see if there is still something between you. If he isn’t, at least your explanation and apology mean that you can walk away on civil terms, with closure, and without regretting your overreaction.

Something significant has changed in your life

If your relationship ended at least in part to an issue within your own life, it might be reasonable to try and mend things with your ex. From addiction to being a workaholic to having an undiagnosed physical or mental health condition, many things can affect how we act, even toward the people we love. If you’ve moved past or received help for the issue, try contacting your ex and explaining the situation, as well as how you’ve changed. His reaction can be the indicator of whether they’re open to rekindling the romance.

Your ex has been giving you signals he’s still interested

If your ex has been keeping in touch with regular text messages or phone calls, you may consider letting him know that you still have feelings for him. Set up a time to meet in a neutral place and see how things go; if you think he’s signaling to you that he still has romantic feelings, try and broach the subject with him. While it could mean he simply wants to remain friends, it could also mean that he is regretting the breakup and might be interested in getting back together.

Reasons to avoid expressing your love

Most of us worry at one point or another that we let “the one” get away or remember a lost love we wish we had more time with. Still, that doesn’t mean every relationship that comes to an end needs to be rekindled to be sure it’s truly over with. Here is a list of situations in which you may want to avoid expressing your love to your ex:

You’re currently in another relationship

This one may go without saying, but sometimes we have a hard time realizing the obvious when our feelings take over. Telling your ex that you still love him when you’re in another relationship might only bring further complications to your life. It could potentially end the new relationship you’re in if they find out you’ve divulged these feelings to your ex. Your ex might also lose trust in you if they know you’re expressing these feelings while in another relationship. This could ruin any chance you had of restarting your relationship with him.

If you’re unhappy in your current relationship, try to focus on that first. Resist the temptation to use your ex to get out of a relationship that you aren’t happy with. If you are serious about getting back with your ex, do right by your current partner and break up with them before considering approaching your ex.

You know your ex has moved on to another relationship

Just as you would reconsider telling your ex you love him if you’re in another relationship, the same can apply if he has moved on to another relationship. Not only could you be risking the stability of his new relationship, which he might be very happy in, you might also be hurting someone who had no part in your breakup.

If your goal in telling your ex you still love him is breaking up his current relationship, take a step back and think about your intentions. Sabotaging your ex’s new relationship is unlikely to work in your favor; instead, try to focus that energy on learning how to cope with the fact that he has moved on. If you find yourself in this situation, speaking with a therapist can help you constructively work through these feelings.

You know your ex doesn’t love you

If your ex has made it very clear that he doesn’t love you, confessing your continuing love for him may only lead to more heartbreak. You might think that you can change his mind, but that’s something only he can do for himself. If he’s expressed that he doesn’t love you and doesn’t see anything with you in the future, it may be time to leave him be. Setting yourself up for more hurt may only prolong the time it takes for you to heal and move on.

Your ex doesn’t want any contact with you

If your ex has told you that he doesn’t want to text, call, or meet up with you, it can be vital to respect the boundaries he has set. Even people who break up on civil terms don’t always end up being friends after their breakup. Everyone has different boundaries, and these need to be abided by.

Tactics for confessing your feelings

If you want to proceed with speaking to your ex about your feelings, here are some tips to help you prepare for the conversation:

Determine how you are going to tell your ex

There are several different avenues of communication you can choose to speak with your ex about your feelings. Decide in advance which you think is going to be the most comfortable and effective. If possible, you may want to avoid texting, as messages can sometimes be misunderstood without the benefit of hearing someone’s voice or seeing their face.

Prepare in advance

Trying to make a speech to someone in the heat of the moment, especially when you are likely to be feeling emotional, can mean forgetting to express your most important points. Plan out what you will say, even if it is just a list of bullet points. This can help take the stress out of talking to him, and you can ensure you say everything you need to express exactly how you feel.

Think about how he may react

People can react in many ways to hearing that their ex still loves them, from being happy or overwhelmed to getting angry and leaving. Take some time to consider how you think he could react, which can help you be more prepared for a negative response from your ex. Decide what you will do if the conversation takes a turn for the worst and remember not to have the discussion if it puts your safety in jeopardy. 

Be prepared to let it go

No matter how strong your lingering feelings for your ex may be, if he makes it clear that he isn’t interested in getting back together, it can be important to learn how to let it go. The longer you hold onto your love for someone that doesn’t love you back, the unhealthier it can be for you both mentally and physically.

Move on if you know it isn’t right

While it might be hard to accept, if you know in your gut that telling your ex you love him isn’t going to change the feelings between you, or if he’s made it clear he isn’t interested, it may be time for you to move on. This can seem like a difficult task, but there are ways to help you forget about your ex. Picking up a new hobby has been shown to help people move on from a failed relationship. It helps get your mind off your ex and boost your self-esteem by giving you goals to work toward. Anything from learning the piano to joining a book club not only occupies your time but also gets you out of the house and interacting with other people. Moving on takes varying amounts of time for everyone, but it’s possible with the right tools and support. 

Online counseling with Regain

If you are still having trouble working through lingering feelings for your ex, you might consider enlisting the help of a counselor or therapist. At Regain, you can connect with a therapist virtually through phone calls, video chats, or in-app messaging. In the days and even weeks after a breakup, you may develop symptoms of depression and struggle to leave the house. Online therapy allows you to still get the mental health support you need without having to step foot outside your door. Acceptance can be tough, but a licensed online therapist can help you process your feelings and find coping mechanisms to move on with your life.

The efficacy of online counseling 

Those who have gone through a breakup may experience symptoms of depression as they try to move on with their life. Online counseling has been shown to be an effective treatment method for depression as well as other psychiatric conditions. In a review of 17 studies, researchers found that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was just as effective as face-to-face therapy in treating symptoms of depression. CBT is a framework that focuses on turning unhelpful thoughts into more helpful ones, which can improve mood, outlook, and behavior. 

Takeaway

Getting over a breakup often involves changing your way of thinking about your ex, which can take time. Just like it can be difficult to fight negative emotions like depression or anxiety, love can’t be turned on and off like a switch. Being patient with yourself during this time can help you heal on your own terms, which could set you up for success when you are ready to look for a new relationship. For now, try to focus on your needs and self-care, which could include booking a session with a therapist through Regain. Over time, you can learn how to move on and eventually love again.