Am I Being Ghosted? Seven Ways To Tell
The words used in the English language are evolving constantly. Every year, words that started out as slang become so popular and embedded in daily use that they step outside of Urban Dictionary and make their way into others, such as Merriam-Webster.
The world of dating has also evolved over time and with it, practices that those who are dating experience. In this article, we will discuss a practice that many of you may already know and have experienced: ghosting.
Ghosting—the history of the word and what it means
Ghosting is what happens when someone breaks off a relationship by stopping all communication with that person. This may happen in a new relationship or an intimate relationship where there has been investment by both parties. The halt in communication occurs without a warning or justification—there is no big fight or break-up that leads to it. In addition to stopping all communication, the person will also ignore their partner’s attempts to reach out or communicate with them.
While it could be possible that people have been ghosting since the beginning of communication, the term became popular with the rise of online communication. It first seemed to pop up in the early 2000s and appeared in Urban Dictionary for the first time in 2006. Used back then as a term for when your friends disappear or cancel plans on you with little or no notice, it shifted to refer to dating in 2009 on the website.
By 2015, the term was more widely used, being cited as a rising trend amongst celebrities and online relationships. News articles and posts began discussing ghosting more in-depth, and studies showed that it had become a popular tactic to end a relationship. Comedian Aziz Ansari researched and wrote a book on dating today compared to what it used to be, titled Modern Romance. He delves into the scarcity principle and how something is more desirable when it is less available. He tells his readers to stay equal when it comes to communicating with someone in the beginning because it isn’t worth trying to attempt a relationship with someone who “doesn’t give a shit about you.”
So how can I tell if I’m being ghosted?
Ghosting is often something that happens towards the beginning of a budding relationship. This doesn’t mean that is always the case. Sometimes ghosting happens in a relationship that has been going on for some time. Things are going well until they're not.
However long you've known someone, you now fear that you might be getting ghosted or that ghosting is about to happen. How can you tell? Here are some of the tell-tale signs:
They start bailing on plans
Take the original Urban Dictionary definition and use it as your starting point. If the person you’re dating used to be someone who always showed up when they said they would, and then suddenly that changes…beware. If your significant other suddenly has an extremely busy schedule that sprouted up for no reason and they are consistently bailing, be wary of what may happen. If they are the type of person who has always bailed on plans, you may want to consider where you are putting your energy. If something legitimately comes up—maybe a family illness leads to a period where they cannot be around—that is understandable. But if they commit to plans, then they don’t show up or block every attempt to hang out, and it is a shift from what was the status quo, be careful.
The routine is broken, and you are no longer getting “goodnights” or “good mornings.”
Was your significant other the type of person who always sent you a goodnight or good morning text? Were they the type to check in during the workday? If you have routine texts or phone calls happening, and they begin to taper off, this is not the best sign. That point of connection for the two of you has been broken, and it could be the beginning of a decline.
They say something along the lines of “i’m not looking for anything serious.”
Perhaps your budding relationship has shifted to what may seem like a more serious tone. This can be startling to the other person and set off backpedaling actions. If they state that they're not looking for anything serious and you are, you are likely not on the same page. You could be friends who hook up occasionally. Not being in a real relationship means that when the other person is bored, tired, or finds someone else, they don’t need to break up with you. A breakup conversation is reserved, in their minds, for actual relationships. The simple act of not responding is enough for someone that they were fooling around with. It isn’t the best way to handle things, and you do deserve a conversation but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen. Take any “this isn’t serious” warning seriously, and if they decide to coward out, at least you were prepared for the possibility.
They communicate less than they used to
Let’s face it—some people are not great texters. In this day and age where everyone is connected to their phones, those people still somehow exist—with a crazy number of unread texts and a long time before you get a response. Those are people that you learn to adjust to if needed. After texting someone for a while, you learn their style—whether they punctuate, abbreviate words a lot, or get back to you in 24 minutes or 24 hours. If the person you are dating used to be a person who responded in a relatively timely matter but now there is an exponential increase in how long it takes to respond, this may be a red flag. If this becomes a regular thing versus a busy day here and there, you should be prepared. If their responses are now really short—one-worded text responses and maybe even a “K”—it could be a bad sign. If their responses are not what they used to be, it could mean that they are on the fast track to not responding at all.
Everything was fast and glamorous until it wasn’t
The beginning of a relationship is oftentimes referred to as the honeymoon phase. But sometimes, a relationship can start too fast, and warning signs are ignored. Perhaps this is one of them. If you fell in love on the first date and everything was hot and heavy and wonderful, maybe you did not notice potential issues because you didn’t want to. Sometimes, things that start fast and furiously end the same way as well. This is not the case all the time, but it could be a warning sign.
They have ghosted you before
In the relationship cycle, people break up and get back together all the time. But never forget that humans are creatures of habit. If the person you are talking to now has ghosted you in the past, remember that there is a possibility that it can happen again. Even if they claim to have changed or say this time will be different and better, it could be a falsehood. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” and “old habits are hard to break” are popular sayings for a reason. It is easy to fall back into something that you know well or have already done. Ghosting is an easy way out for some people, especially if they have done it before.
They cut off communication completely
This is the ultimate sign that the ghosting has happened. Once you have tried to call, text, email, or direct message and there are no responses, it's likely that you have been ghosted. You can give it a valiant effort but know that at a certain point, that person is not going to respond to you again, and what you had is over.
Work through dating challenges in online therapy
Ghosting is an unpleasant situation for the person being ghosted. While these warning signs do not mean you are definitely getting ghosted (unless it is the last one, in which case you likely have), a combination of them means you should be prepared in case it happens and maybe call out the person you are dating to see what is going on. If you have been ghosted and are holding an emotional weight because of it, or perhaps you want to try and save the relationship, consider counseling. Regain is an online therapy platform that connects individuals and those in relationships with licensed therapists. Regain therapists can work with you at a time that's convenient and you can meet from the comfort of home.
Takeaway
Online therapy can be an effective way to work through issues, such as those between partners. If communication has come to be a problem, online therapy may help. No matter where you live, online therapy provides a wide range of therapists to choose from.
And if you've been ghosted, a therapist can help you process your emotions and move on to something new.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How long before you know you’re being ghosted?
It doesn’t take long to know if you’re being ghosted—one relationship expert has revealed that after only three days of no communication, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve been ghosted. Of course, every relationship is different, but there are very few excuses for a complete lack of communication after three days.
Others report that after three days, things may still be okay, but after a week, your chances go down tremendously, and after a month, there’s no point in hoping for them to answer. You can find the same content and information about ghosting from many sources, but it’s important to understand that the bottom line is that people ghost others because they don’t have the strength to be upfront and tell them the truth.
What do you do if you think you are being ghosted?
If you’re being ghosted, take a moment to breathe and reflect on the relationship before you start typing out an angry text. It’s appropriate to check in and say something like, “Is everything okay? I’ve noticed you’ve been much less responsive lately.” But you should definitely avoid blowing up their phone and contacting them on every social media site in hopes that they’ll reply.
If they haven’t responded for a few days after your check-in, it may be time to let the relationship go. Getting ghosted can be very upsetting, so take some time for yourself to recover—but realize that if they were worth it, they wouldn’t do this type of thing to you. When people ghost, they’re cheating themselves out of what could potentially be a great relationship.
How do you know if a guy ghosted you?
If you have a new relationship with someone and they suddenly stop responding, it’s only natural to wonder what’s going on, especially if you thought things were going great. So, are they busy, or are they ghosting you? Here are a few clues: If they're ghosting you, their replies will become shorter, they’ll “forget” about your plans, you’ll have to initiate all of the conversations, and they will be online although they aren’t replying to you.
If you think you’re being ghosted, the best move is to move on. Ghosting is rude and disrespectful, and a person who’s going to ghost you isn’t worth your time. When you’ve been ghosted and love has gone missing, it’s normal to feel upset. When someone ends a relationship with zero communication, it’s unfair and even cruel. But avoid sending them message after message in the hopes that they will respond; it’s better to be the bigger person and let the relationship go.
Is it normal to get ghosted?
Unfortunately, ghosting has become a totally normal part of a modern dating life. Nowadays, it can be rare to find someone who will sit down and break up with their significant other face-to-face. A 2019 survey revealed that 30% of US adults had ghosted a friend or romantic prospect. That’s nearly one in three people! While getting ghosted is never fun, it’s not the end of the world. If you’ve been ghosted, it’s time to let go and move on to something better.
What is soft ghosting?
Soft ghosting occurs when somebody doesn’t cut you off completely but slowly cuts back on communication until they only view or like your social media posts. Oftentimes, people will become soft ghosts a former romantic interest if they aren’t brave enough to actually break up with them or cut off communication completely.
Are they ghosting me or do they need space?
Generally, if you have to ask whether someone is ghosting you, they are. If the conversations have gone from paragraph-long texts to single words or even just an emoji, that’s a sign that you’re being ghosted. Also, if the other person is giving you incredibly elaborate excuses about why they don’t have time to hang out or talk, that’s a clue. Typically, if a person needs space, they will communicate that in some way other than cutting off communication altogether.
If a person is interested in you and wants to continue the relationship, they won’t suddenly begin to ignore all communication forms. Feeling that you’ve been ghosted, is never a fun experience. But remember that if they were worth it, they wouldn’t have put you through such a difficult situation!
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