Exploring The Benefits Of Pre-Engagement Counseling For A Successful Marriage

Medically reviewed by Laura Angers Maddox, NCC, LPC
Updated April 25, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

After reaching the point in a relationship where you begin considering the rest of your life with your partner, it may be time to think about pre-engagement counseling. While many couples attend marriage therapy to help repair damage or work through problems in their relationship, pre-engagement counseling is intended to help you avoid problems in your future marriage by shedding light on topics you may not think to discuss before proposing. Read on to learn what pre-engagement counseling is, how it works, and the ways it can help couples get to know essential facts about each other before committing to marriage.

What is pre-engagement counseling?

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Does pre-engagement counseling build better marriages?

Pre-engagement counseling is a form of psychotherapy that helps couples discuss important facets of their relationship to help them align their needs and expectations in a marriage before they commit to a lifetime together. For example, pre-engagement counseling would reveal if one partner doesn’t want children and the other does, allowing the couple to discuss potential solutions before planning their marriage. 

“It seemed really important to me to help couples get set up and start off right in their marriages. Talking about things in advance, getting on the same page, hearing what each other’s needs and expectations are—just having those conversations, which a lot of couples don’t necessarily have, is really important.” — Meredith Hansen, PsyD

Defining pre-engagement

Romantic relationships often go through multiple stages involving different levels of attachment and commitment. For example, most couples are much more involved and know their partner better after a year together compared to their first month. The early stage covers the first date until you decide to see each other exclusively. The next step is pre-engagement, where you are committed to your partner, know them well, and think of a life spent alongside them. Subsequent stages include engagement and marriage, as the commitment and merging of your lives advance. 

Exploring how pre-engagement counseling works

In practice, pre-engagement counseling works like most psychotherapy treatments. Find a provider, make an appointment, and attend the session with your therapist. 

How long do couples wait before getting engaged?

Studies show that many couples get engaged between two to five years after they start dating, though plenty of couples don’t fit into that time frame. 

When should pre-engagement counseling start?

Ideally, pre-engagement counseling should begin when you’ve both expressed an interest in getting married, but neither has made a formal proposal. Once you’re engaged, many mental health professionals recommend pre-marital education. 

How many therapy sessions are required?

The number of pre-engagement counseling sessions necessary depends on your situation and what your therapist thinks you need. The process can vary in length, with some couples attending only one or two sessions and others going for a complete treatment course of 12 sessions. 

Does pre-engagement counseling make a difference?

Studies show that couples who participated in pre-engagement counseling or pre-marital education experience a significantly lower divorce rate than couples who don’t see a counselor before tying the knot. 

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How counseling before engagement helps you know each other better

There are many things it can help to know about your partner before deciding to spend the rest of your life with them. However, it can require awkward or intrusive questions to gain that information. Pre-engagement counseling allows you to discuss sensitive subjects like children and finances with the support and guidance of a mental health professional, so you and your partner can get to know each other better.

What does pre-engagement counseling cover?

You may be curious about what topics pre-engagement counseling typically delves into and how they can help build a stronger, healthier marriage. While each couple differs, these are some of the most common topics covered in pre-engagement counseling. 

Learn about each other’s family history

Many couples haven't taken the step to introduce their partners to their families until they know the relationship will last. One of the topics pre-engagement counseling covers is your family history and dynamics. 

  • Share what family means to you, how they impact your life, and their influence over your behavior. 
  • Discuss the values you were raised with and how you agree or disagree with them. 
  • How close are you to your family? Do you have relatives you don’t talk to or can’t live without? 
  • What was your childhood like?
  • Did your parents get along or fight a lot?

Expectations for progressing from dating to marriage

Before you commit your life to someone, it can help to know what they expect from a marriage partner. Studies show that a lack of communication is one of the top reasons for a failed marriage. Pre-engagement counseling can help you both express what you want and need from a spouse and what healthy marriage looks like to you. 

  • Is marriage a lifelong commitment, or are you relying on divorce if things don't work out?
  • How do you expect your spouse to behave?
  • Who will be responsible for specific chores in the household?
  • How often will you go on dates?
  • What sleep schedule do you want to maintain?
  • How often do you want to socialize with other people?

Discussing financial status

Your financial status can have a massive impact on your partner once you merge your finances. If one of you has a mountain of outstanding debt or needs to be more reliable about paying bills, your partner deserves to know. 

  • Talk about how the bills and expenses of your shared home will be split.
  • Will you combine all your accounts, money, and debt?
  • What constitutes a major purchase, and how much can you spend without talking to your partner?
  • Do you want to buy a car or a home together? Does your credit allow for it?
  • How will you handle financial emergencies?

Defining rules for sex and physical touch

Sexual and physical intimacy in a marriage is crucial for many people. It can help you manage expectations and disappointments if you discuss how often you want sex, how much non-sexual physical touch matters to you, and boundaries you aren’t comfortable crossing or even approaching. 

  • How often do you expect to be physically intimate?
  • Explain how you feel about public displays of affection.
  • Do you want to hold hands in public?
  • Does cuddling matter to you?
  • Discuss sexual boundaries, limits, and curiosities. 

Talking about having and raising children

One of the most critical conversations to have during pre-engagement counseling covers whether you both want children and how you want to raise them when (or if) they come. 

  • Do both of you want children? If one partner doesn’t want children, how do you plan to deal with that?
  • When do you envision yourself becoming a parent?
  • What values do you want to raise children with?
  • Is there anything you don’t want your potential children exposed to?

Resolving conflicts

Pre-engagement counseling can lead to healthier marriages by teaching practical conflict-resolution skills to help you and your partner work through your problems together. Unresolved issues can lead to resentment and repressed anger later.

  • Create a “pause button” if one of you needs to step back from the argument before saying something hurtful you don’t mean. 
  • Find healthy ways to process your emotions and let go of anger. 
  • Understand how to see things from your partner’s perspective.

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Does pre-engagement counseling build better marriages?

How counseling before engagement can build healthier marriages

It often takes more than love to build a successful, healthy marriage. If you and your partner are discussing taking the next step in your relationship, consider pre-engagement counseling before you pop the question. Working with a licensed couples therapist online through a virtual relationship therapy platform like Regain can help you discuss issues that could affect your marriage and help you plan for the future. Pre-engagement counseling can help you address problems before they become problematic, teach you healthy ways to communicate and resolve conflict, and help you plan your future together. 

In recent years, versatile options for mental health treatment have drawn increasing interest. Studies show that online couples therapy and pre-engagement counseling works as well as in-person treatments. Both groups in the study showed decreased symptoms related to anxiety, stress, and depression and increased relationship satisfaction. Teletherapy platforms offer the added benefit of a much more comprehensive network of licensed therapists, making it simple to find someone you connect with who makes you both feel comfortable. 

Takeaway

When you reach the point in a relationship where marriage becomes a real possibility, pre-engagement counseling could benefit you and your partner by allowing you to explore significant issues together before making that commitment. The information in this article offers insight into how pre-engagement counseling works and the benefits it can provide for a lasting, loving marriage.

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