About me
Reboot Your Relationship
Here’s What To Expect When You Work With Me
What I Believe
We, too, as the Celtic saying goes, “live in the shelter of each other.”
No one can dance with a partner and not touch each other’s raw spots. We must know what these raw spots are and be able to speak about them in a way that pulls our partner closer to us. So, I think ultimately, hurt will come. However, love, like a dance, is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues, disconnecting, repairing, and finding deeper connection.
It is a dance of meeting and parting and finding each other again. Minute to minute and day to day. Just learning to dance more gracefully over time and experience means committing to being on the dance floor every day, paying attention and attuning to the music, steps, and emotion of the dance.
Distressed partners no longer see each other as their emotional safe haven. Our lover is supposed to be the one person we can count on who will always respond. Instead, unhappy partners feel emotionally deprived, rejected, even abandoned. In that light, couples’ conflicts assume their true meaning: they are frightened protests against eroding connection and a demand for emotional reengagement.
Learning to love and be loved is, in effect, about learning to tune in to our emotions and that of our own parnters so that we know what we need from a partner and expressing those desires openly, in a way that evokes compassion and support from him or her to create a secure base both partners can rely on.
• Couples are seeking connection. We want to feel that connection with each other, that aliveness, that excitement, that sense of well being. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual connection. It is what we feel when we first come together with someone and “fall in love."
Conflict is the motivating force for healing and growth in relationships.
The conflicts are your greatest teachers. By design they are the very irritant that forms the pearl of your growth within and between.
In any conflict, there are multiple dimensions occurring simultaneously. No one dimension can explain the entire conflict, so that is where I come in to help you interpret and have a deeper meaning and understanding.
I believe the conflict couples experience after the “honeymoon period” of their relationship is actually necessary. Conflict points out where we don’t get our needs met. Unmet needs create a breakdown in connection, destroying passion and intimacy. Many couples don’t navigate this “power struggle” phase successfully and eventually break up or settle for a less than satisfying relationship.
“To heal the war in the the world we have to heal the war between the sexes. To heal the war between the sexes we have the heal the war within ourselves.
"Raging against the dying of the light!"
Volatile couples are often passionate couples. "We love each other and have a good relationship, why we do end up in the same hurtful arguments?" The passion in your relationship is energizing but can also turn into fights accompanied by extreme anger. Often this results in one person withdrawing and both left feeling hurt and misunderstood. I help couples turn volatility into versatility. Volatility is explosive energy; versatility means having choices and tools to use at the right moment while keeping healthy passion alive. My couples are people who have strong relationships but need help breaking patterns that continue having them slip into a vicious cycle and vortex.
Some couples come committed to having their relationship thrive, others come with the intention of working out a divorce that is collaborative and respectful and includes a co-parenting plan that works for the whole family. I also work with couples to create and implement a healthy post-divorce family life.
When couples disagree, most repeat the following disruptive pattern: blame, criticize, defend, express contempt, distance, and emotionally or physically withdraw. Distress is not about how many fights you have or even if you resolve the fights. Distress is about how you fight, and whether you can retain some sort of emotional connection after the fight. While traditional types of marital counseling tend to be open-ended and seek to solve immediate problems, such as continual arguing, by focusing primarily on behavior change and communication skills, my approach hones in on increasing a couple's appreciation for how each partner feels in order to build trust and a secure base they can each rely on. In this approach, couples learn to recognize the negative (vicious) cycle and pattern 'complain-defend-complain-defe nd-complain-defend' they are stuck in, where one person criticizes and the other responds defensively or withdraws. Couples learn to identify the needs and fears that keep them in that cycle. They learn to identify and express their underlying emotions. Partners learn to empathize with each other and become more supportive of each other. Partners come together through the emotional needs they are each expressing, and can begin to comfort each other's needs.
Until a couple is able to identify, acknowledge and ultimately forgive injuries, an emotional gulf persists between them. No matter how dissatisfying things have become and how unhappy or angry partners may be, they each need to feel safe in coming together to work out their problems. Each partner needs to understand the emotions dictating their actions. The emotions behind perceived problems are the key to understanding each other.
The Reboot Your Relationship
• From alienation to emotional connection.
• From vigilant defense and self-protection to openness and risk-taking.
• From a passive helplessness in the face of the old destructive “dance” of the relationship to a sense of being able to actively create a new and better dance.
• From desperate blaming of the other to a sense of how each partner makes it difficult for the other to be responsive and caring.
• From a focus on the other's flaws, to the discovery of one's own fears and longings.
• But most of all, from isolation to connectedness, reconciliation and forgiveness.
Breaking through the "Upper Limit Barriers" to Love, Creating Deeper Connections and a Safe Haven Marriage
• Connection requires Safety and Passion. We want the emotional safety to be ourselves, to be open and honest, to feel accepted and understood. With this safety, comes deep connection. From this nurturing environment, passion can arise and be sustained. I mean sexual passion, of course, and also, emotional passion. The freedom to be spontaneous, to express who we are, to be intimate and excited by our lives is also a key desire.
• Expressing and meeting your needs creates a healthy, passionate relationship. I will teach you to create the emotional safety which will allow you to recognize and express your needs consciously. From this place of safety and satisfied needs, a conscious, passionate relationship can develop.
Get Results
• You can learn how to connect again with your partner! You can share with each other on a deep, loving, meaningful level. You can feel heard and understood by your partner. You can learn to be more compassionate and empathic with them and they with you.
• You can have a passionate, exciting sex life with your partner! You can spontaneously express your feelings towards your partner through your lovemaking.
• You can feel good about yourself and your relationship again! You can know your needs, share them with your partner and together you can help each other to meet those needs! You can respect and cherish each other and treat each other and your relationship with that deep caring and nurturing.
• You can recapture that playfulness, that innocence, that pure joy of being together that you once had! You can tap into and recreate those wonderful, idyllic moments you once shared and have them available to you once again!
• You can reignite the passion of your relationship! You can remove the baggage that has weighed you down and be lifted into a new romance, a new love, a new depth that you have always wanted and you will be able to sustain it.
What Working With Me Is Like
• You’ll learn skills, tools and exercises to help your relationship. My ultimate task is to put myself out of a job. I want you to be able to be responsible for your relationship and have the skills to make it the best it can possibly be.
• I’ll expect you to practice between sessions. The majority of the work takes place between our sessions. The results you receive will be in direct proportion to the work you put into this process. I’m committed to doing everything in my power to help you in your relationship. I expect the same from you.
• I’ll shoot straight with you. I’m not afraid to speak my mind. I’m not afraid to take charge of our sessions. I won’t collude with you in the sustaining the unhealthy parts of your relationship. I’ll hold you accountable for creating the relationship vision that you desire so strongly to create.
• I’ll help “translate” between you and your partner. This is something I’ve had a great deal of practice at, and I’m really good at it. I can speak your language, whether intellectual or emotional, whether masculine or feminine, whether verbal or non-verbal. It’s one of my greatest gifts as a couples’ therapist.
• My job is to keep you emotionally safe and secure while you do the work. I take that very seriously. Couples are generally not very comfortable with the process of beginning couples work. They are airing all of their issues in front of a total stranger. There can be a lot of finger pointing and blaming, criticizing and condemning. I don’t allow that. We’ll create a space where you can be honest AND kind and loving. Developing intimacy requires the freedom to be open and vulnerable, which requires safety.
• We’ll laugh and have fun. This is serious work, and needs to be balanced with a sense of humor. I’m professional, yet relaxed and easy-going. I’m flexible, creative and out-of-the-box. I’ll do my best to set you at ease and have you be as comfortable as you can be through this challenging, yet rewarding process.
The Bottom Line
I believe that I can help you to have a better relationship, that is more passionate, more intimate, more romantic, more sensual.
BIOGRAPHY:
Qualifications & Experience
I have been counseling and training informally for 25 years and formally for 20 years. I served in my church as a marriage and family ministry leader, educator and mentor for 20 years and as a professional, licensed marriage and family therapist for 15 years.
I did my training for a B.S. in psychology with an emphasis in neuropsychology with University of Maryland, B.S. in Organizational Management with University of Phoenix, Masters in Clinical Psychology with an Emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy with Pepperdine University, and all but dissertation for Doctorate in Psychology in Marriage and Family Therapy with The Chicago School of Professional Psychology.
My clinical practicum and internship was with La Vie Christian Counseling in Pasadena and Santa Monica, and Turning Point Christian Counseling in Pasadena. I also trained in Christian Counseling with Gary Smalley, Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and Emerson Eggerichs for Christian Marriage and Relationship Therapy.
My other training and certifications include:
Certificate in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy
Gottman Level I and II
Certified Gottman Educator
Certified in EMDR
Certified in PTSD and Trauma Therapy
Certified in Couples Intensives with Smalley Institute
Certified and trained in Dynamic Marriage
Certified and trained in Love and Respect Couples Intensives with Emerson Eggerichs
Certified and trained in Cloud and Townsend
Certified as a facilitator and trainer in SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) with Les and Leslie Parrot
Certified and trained as a Facilitator and Trainer for Prepare and Enrich
Certified in Christian Marriage, Couples and Relationship Intensives with Sharon Morris May
Specialties
- Relationships
- Family conflicts
- Trauma, Abuse
- Intimacy
- Anger management
Stress, Anxiety , Addictions , Grief , Parenting issues , Self esteem , Career difficulties , Depression , Coping with life changes , Coaching , Compassion fatigue , Abandonment , Antisocial Personality , Attachment issues , Read more...
Clinical approaches:
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Attachment-Based Therapy, Client-Centered Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT), Existential Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Gottman Method, Imago Relationship Therapy, Narrative Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Solution-Focused Therapy, Somatic Therapy, Trauma-Focused Therapy, Internal Family Systems
Years of Experience: 16
Services offered
Messaging
Phone
Video
Licensing
CA LMFT 51093
Reviews
These quotes represent just a few of the many positive reviews that we have received for Joseph Whitcomb. We don't pay anyone to provide their review and they are all made voluntarily. Some people's experience receiving therapy with Regain might be different.
Joe has been an incredibly valuable therapist in helping myself and my husband navigate challenges of being new parents while carrying our own burden of childhood trauma. Our relationship is being explored on deeper levels than we have experienced before and it is leading to growth, warmth, and deeper connections. Joe is very active in drawing both of us into the session, and we receive a lot of worksheets, articles, and information to help guide our process. I highly recommend Joe.
Joe has been super helpful and has a variety of ways to tackle the personal issues I’ve been going through, and he is friendly and has a positive attitude. I was made aware of things that have contributed to the difficulties I’ve been facing that I initially never thought of thanks to Joe and I can confidently recommend him.
Joe is a great counselor. He has been very helpful in several ways. He has a dynamic approach & works with years of experience behind him. I trust his methods & sense improvement from my time spent under his counsel.
Friendly and professional - very observant and validating. Giving us great tools
Joe is such a caring and understanding therapist who goes beyond our expectations to improve the quality of our marriage.
I’ve already written a detailed review about Joe, so please reference that. Joe is a treasure. We are so grateful to be working with him!
Joe rocks!